I have a crush on this guy, I first saw him in a meeting of staff in a certain program. I and my team mates came late so we seated at the back. He and his team mate were at the front. So while our supervisor was discussing in front, I was looking at the people who were also there in that meeting, I was searching for newly hired staffs. Then I saw him, he was standing. I said to myself, “Hmmm. He looks okay to me.”, then I stared down and I refrained myself from laughing because I said in my mind, “You were here because you were looking for a job, not looking for a boyfriend.” So I became serious and stopped thinking about it, and I gazed at him for the last time but he was gone. So I focused listening to our supervisor. After awhile I looked at my back and he was standing near. At my left side there was no chair, there was a space available. So he got one chair and seated right next to me. He asked few questions and introduced his self to me. I hesitated a lot to shake his hand because I am not used to that. Every time I meet a new person I don’t shake his or her hand unless he or she is a political leader or a boss of a company. But then I still shook my hands with him because I think that it will be rude not to respond to his greeting. Well after that I thought I will never see him again. After one month, our boss called me and asked if I can transfer to another city where the program is also implemented. They lack one staff so they need to transfer one from our team because we exceeded the approved number of staff. So I volunteered, for three reasons. First, my mother wanted me to be assigned at a near city, like maybe three hours away. So it’s really an advantage in my part. Second I feel sorry for the newly hired staff because the team leader in that place is not the type of leader you want to follow, so I want to help him. And the third reason is that, the newly hired staff in that place where I will be transferred is the guy I met at the meeting. Aside from helping him, I want to know him better because it seems that he is also interested in me. In May I transferred there, and in just a matter of seven days I discovered that he had a big crush on me, and he was planning to court me. But I didn’t let him because he already decided not to renew his contract so he will be leaving in June, specifically last week of June, and I came in May 21. So it was only a very short time to know him, so I did not say yes although part of me agrees. In just a month I discovered a lot of things about him, like he broke up with his first girlfriend two years ago. He is a religious type of person, caring, passionate about his job, sensitive, understanding, intelligent, open-minded, helpful, patient, responsible, and most of all he is a husband material. (LOL) But still I did not tell him the truth. There was this night, we were working on some paper works, we always have this over time but this night was a little different for me because I slept in the couch and he was there too sitting next to me. At first we working but then at around 10 pm I fell sleepy but he was still working so I did not leave him, instead I slept at his side. He offered me his blanket and pillow. At that moment I almost wanted to tell him the truth, he was so near to me, as always. When we sit next to each other, especially in the couch at our boarding house, when there are no other people around and together we accomplish this kind of detective game in his laptop, we always sit next to each other sooo close. At that night where I slept and he was still awake, before I became sleepy, while he was the one playing the game, and I was just there lying my back watching him play, I really want to lean my head on his back, and worst I want to hug him. But I said to myself, “No!” Because we are not into a relationship, we only know each other. Sometimes I have this question in my mind. I don’t really consider our relationship as friends, maybe in his part it is, but in my part because I also feel something for him, then is it called “Mutual Understanding?”. We are not friends nor into a relationship, then what are we?
It’s August now and we still have communication but he only sends me messages like once a week. And we only talk like for about few minutes and after that no more. I have this big question in my mind, “Should I tell him the truth? Should I continue communicating with him? If I tell him the truth, will I let myself be in a relationship that I’ve never been before and I am afraid I might be like other girls who were hurt because of this fucking crazy thing called “love” ????